I was looking at pictures of Charlotte and JUST realized that, oh my god, I gave birth! I have a baby! And she’s beautiful and sweet and amazing and I love her so much.
Yesterday was Tom’s first day back to work since she was born. Charlotte and I were all alone for a little over 12 hours. I was struggling at first to get her to stop crying. Then, in a last-ditch effort of desperation, I took her to the rocking chair. I rocked her and sang to her. I teared up during the verse of “Hallelujah” about pregnancy (“remember when I moved in you, and the Holy Dove was moving too, and every breath we drew was Hallelujah”). I openly cried during “Amazing Grace” because it was my Granddaddy’s favorite song. And I got to thinking about him looking down on me and being proud of me. I also thought about how my baby sleeps every night in a beautiful cradle Granddaddy bought for me to sleep in when my parents first had me.
My singing, despite my crying fits, put Charlotte to sleep. And then she wouldn’t sleep anywhere but in my arms or in my lap, til I sang to her while she was in the swing. (I also discovered, when I ran out of songs to sing to her, that just talking to her in a singing voice makes her fall asleep. I was singing “Charlotte, go to sleep. Mommy wants to take a nap. Go to sleep, little one.” And other stuff like that until she passed out.) I feel so loved. I feel like a realMommy, not just someone taking care of a baby.
I feel like I’m starting to really know her personality. I can’t articulate what she’s like, but I know her and I love her so much. And I love watching Tom with her. Especially after I have done 6 of the 8 daily feedings, changed about 10 diapers, dealt with about 8 crying fits, and missed out on about 2 hours of sleep in the morning. But she sleeps on his chest, makes adorable faces at him, wiggles, and generally feels completely at ease with him.
Tom said it best when he said we’ve made an irreversible decision. He was a bit shocked by all the changes in our lives (I tried to warn him, he didn’t believe me) but we’re just so happy. Sleep-deprived, cranky, and moving a little slower (except when we hear Charlotte crying), but happy.
Right now I’m watching her spit out her pacifier, wave her arms in the air, yawn, and toss her head around like the little spaz she is. Oh, and listening to the toots. Oh, the toots. I’m of course awaiting the inevitable crying fit… and there it goes. Gotta run!