The Third Trimester – Is There an Exorcist in the House?

I’m 32 weeks and some change now. I’ve been in the third trimester for a good solid month. I have to tell you, I’m ready for the hospital bed. If the baby could be born today perfectly healthy and with absolutely no complications, I’d be there. But she needs about 4 more weeks to not have to go to the NICU, 6 to be almost absolutely sure she won’t have any trouble feeding, and just under 8 weeks til she’s due. But I’m not worrying about it. We’ve made it this far, she’s moving around pretty often, and she gets herself into positions that are unbelievably painful for me every day.

She dropped about two weeks ago, but popped back up. Mercifully. I think she may have dropped again, as my discomfort in walking, sitting, moving my legs in any fashion, and sciatica are back with a vengeance. But other than the predictable pain and slight humorousness of my struggle to waddle quickly, I am in a pretty good place in regards to the actual birth process and mothering of the child. As for everything else, well, I’m a powder keg right now. I have so many bad dreams and negativity keeps trying to eat its way into my life. Talking to my mother has helped tremendously. And I’m making every effort to be open, honest, and patient with Tom. Tom has been making every effort to be supportive, helpful, and also patient with me. Some things just take time. Like this pregnancy.

I was going to write about how calm I’ve been lately, despite all the GRRR I’ve been feeling, when I realized that I’ve been irritable, angry, grouchy, weepy, and really obnoxious all week long. And people have noticed. They’ve told me I’ve been grouchy. But everything seems to be moving so slowly, so maybe I felt like I wasn’t showing it as much. But no, if I’m really honest with myself, I’ve been GRRR outwardly, too. My inner monologue is very calm, almost Ben Stein-esque in its tone. (Bueller? Bueller?) It’s convinced me that I’ve been blunted and boring. I’ve been a Tasmanian devil! I’ve been a storm of negative emotions. Just none of them are about the baby. I’m so excited for her to get here and can’t wait to meet her. But just about every other human already on this planet is driving me up the wall. It’s just a matter of time before I start speaking in tongues while my head turns 360 degrees and I shoot green slime at people who come near me. If I haven’t begun that already. I have been known to sit straight up and talk in my sleep. Even walking at times. Who knows? Maybe we should just call me Reagan. 😛

Anyway, the baby is gaining about half a pound a week now. Everyone who looks at me asks when I’m due, if it’s a boy or girl, what we’re naming her, if it’s my first, and then I get the occasional odd question. A clerk at Target, for instance, asked if we plan on dressing her up for Christmas. Um… huh? Random!!! The lady who cleans our office every other Wednesday keeps trying to push natural, unmedicated childbirth on me. To which I told her it was none of her damn business. (More politely than that. This was before my crab-walking-backwards-down-the-stairs days.) And everyone has something absolutely VITAL to tell me about having babies, whether they’ve had any or not. Especially men. Whose tongues I then fantasize about ripping out of their mouths and wrapping around their heads in a cartoon fashion. With women who haven’t had babies yet giving me advice on parenting decisions or coping with pregnancy symptoms, I just think about how soon I will be able to have my revenge in the form of being the most obnoxious unsolicited-advice-giver in history. When they get irritated with it, I’ll just smile knowingly and patronizingly. I may even pat them on the arm with a condescending “there, there. Don’t want to upset the baby.” And run. And laugh maniacally as they try to catch up with me to hit me but they can’t because they’re pregnant and have to waddle. MWAHAHAHAHA

I’m not above the petty revenge thing. But I have made a concerted effort in other areas, such as wedding planning, to not butt in with “well when I was getting married…” or offer any advice for which I have not been explicitly asked. When a friend is having a baby, if he or she has not been up my butt with ridiculousness about my pregnancy, I will give every effort to not butt in then, too. I’m going Old Testament here: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a pain in the butt for a pain in the butt.

About mrsalicia

I am a Paralegal at a small criminal defense and personal injury firm in my small town. I graduated from Western Washington University with a BA in Political Science and Philosophy. I have my Paralegal Certificate, as well. I write a blog in my spare time. I am married to a wonderful man and recently gave birth to a beautiful little girl. View all posts by mrsalicia

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