Monthly Archives: September 2013

The Baby Forum Strikes Again!

I have seen SO many posts on the baby forum from women about their husbands or fiances or boyfriends cheating on them while they’re pregnant. I read through this and my heart goes out to these women. I can’t just say “hey, leave him!” They’re pregnant! Although many women DO say “you should leave him” or something similar with many expletives.

But then I look at Tom. He works 12 hour shifts 3 days a week. That means that sometimes he’s home alone for 8 hours multiple times a week. And I haven’t got the least bit of concern. He’s got every chance in the world to go out and cheat, and more than his fair share of “reasons”. I’m quite a handful, especially lately. He’s just such a good guy. Almost to the extent that he’s a little boring. Hahaha

I read these women’s posts and think “God, I remember going through that when I was in High School. All the time.” ALL the time. It was never boring, to say the least.

I don’t know if its because I just finished watching Anna Karenina with Keira Knightley (which sucked, in my opinion) and I’m bored out of my mind, or if I’m really just messed up in the head, but I almost miss that drama. I’d LOVE to go tearing through Tom’s computer and emails and stuff. But what’s the point? I wouldn’t find anything. I guess the fire goes out when you realize you have no more secrets in your relationship and your significant other is most likely not cheating on you.

I expressed this feeling to Tom. His response? “First world white girl problems.” You’re telling me. I’m NEVER going to get to go on Jerry Springer or Maury. Way to kill the dream, Tom!!!

I’m so blessed. And what do I do with that? Complain. I’m not entertained, boohoo. God, I’m a spoiled child.

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Suicide Threats Online

I’m a member of a community forum for women who are pregnant/trying to get pregnant/mothers. We compare experiences, ask questions, bitch about our husbands, and talk about food cravings. Sometimes it breaks out into horrible arguments and fights. It’s a bunch of hormonal women! Of course it’s going to get rough sometimes!

But last night was different. I found a post in the community titled “Sorry.” I clicked on it and the text said “I’m sorry I asked. I’ll never ask again.” I did some further reading to find out what that was about, thinking “oh, someone got her panties in a twist over something one of the snarky ladies said.” Turns out, this woman had been asking us, her fellow forum members, to donate money to her because she couldn’t afford maternity clothes. Some women had responded to her by saying she should go to goodwill, reach out to friends. Other women, the judgmental kind, said she shouldn’t have gotten pregnant if she can’t afford clothes, how is she going to afford a baby? No one said she should abort, no one said “put your baby up for adoption” or “you’re going to be a terrible mom” or anything like that. But still. Low blow. I was kind of irritated too, thinking “jeez, how dare you ask us for money? You’re on the internet somehow. Maybe you should get a job or go to friends like they suggested.” But I didn’t say anything to her or the others.

Shortly thereafter, this woman updated her post saying she hoped we were all happy because she was killing herself. She said the light was already fading and she hoped we were all able to sleep at night knowing we’d driven her to suicide. She said we’d shown her it was the only way. And that’s when I became livid.

1- Suicide is a SERIOUS thing. Threatening suicide is the lowest, cruelest thing someone could ever do to someone else, besides actually committing suicide. It is emotional abuse. It is manipulative. It is just plain wrong in every single way. (Please note, threatening suicide is different than expressing that you are having suicidal thoughts and reaching out for help.)

2- I thought that was one of the dumbest things to threaten and/or actually commit suicide over. So some women were being judgmental bitches. Big deal! That’s no reason to threaten to kill yourself and it’s CERTAINLY no reason to actually kill yourself! They’re anonymous strangers online! You were asking for money, they said no, so you threaten to kill yourself?!?!?!!? That seems more like emotional blackmail than an actual cry for help.

3- There was nothing I could do. What, post words of encouragement? I was way too pissed off to do that. What I really wanted to say was that she was being immature, manipulative, stupid. That suicide is serious and she shouldn’t just throw threats like that around. That it was absolutely RIDICULOUS to react this way over something she read on the internet. I wanted to reach through the computer screen and slap her until either my hands bled or some sense occurred to her.

4- She’s three months pregnant! Some states won’t even allow you to have an abortion after this time period, and she’s going to kill herself AND a baby! How selfish is that?!?!?! I wanted to tell her that if she was really willing to kill her baby, she should put it up for adoption! She can’t afford it AND she doesn’t care whether it lives or dies?!?!?! As a pregnant woman, this steamed me more than anything.

So, what did I do? I said nothing to her. I noted that lots of women were responding with things like “No, please don’t do it” and “No, it’s not worth it, it’s not the way out!” Not one person said “this is bullshit” or anything like that. People were posting the phone number for the suicide hotline and encouraging her to call, begging her to reach out and seek help. So I thought, ok, I should do something about this.

I reported the post to the staff and the user moderators. Twice. I begged them to trace her IP address and report the situation to the authorities. Furthermore, I begged them to remove the post from the website. I also made my own post to bring people’s attention to it (because not a lot of people were actually commenting, so I was worried) and begged those people to also report it. Hopefully the owners/staff/moderators or whatever would notice it and be able to help. I googled “how to report an anonymous online suicide threat” and received no answers. I called the suicide hotline to see if they knew of any resources that I could file a report to, to see if they could intervene. I was told that there was no such thing, that I’d done all I could do. The post was eventually removed and I don’t know what happened in regards to the woman who made the threat or her baby. I won’t get a good night’s sleep for a long time over it.

I’m just beyond pissed off that someone would react this way. Yes, the women who told her she shouldn’t have gotten pregnant in the first place were way out of line. I feel guilty that my first instinct was to feel the same way about her asking us for money: irritated at the audacity. They deserved to be reported to the staff and have their comments removed. Maybe even their entire accounts deleted. But to threaten to take your life over that? Or worse, to actually take your life and your baby’s life over that? Unforgivable.

I reported it because I am worried about that baby she’s carrying. If this woman is a Borderline Personality, using this threat to garner pity, then that is one of the most disgusting things I have ever seen another human do. (Not THE most disgusting. I work in criminal law, remember). If this woman was serious and really going to/trying to harm herself, or had already done so, then that makes me angry, too, because it’s not just HER life anymore. It never will be ever again. I did what I did out of anger and disgust rather than concern. And that makes me feel like I’m a bad person.

I’ve talked to friends and family who were threatening suicide to manipulate people and who were actually thinking about suicide. It’s not easy to forgive the emotional blackmailers and it’s not easy to stop worrying about the people who are actually considering it. It’s also hard to talk those actually considering it down from that perch. It is stressful. It is exhausting. It is heartbreaking. And when people use that threat just to make you feel those feelings, just to get you to do what they want or just to inflict that pain on you, it enrages me.

There’s no way to know if she was serious. There’s no way to know if the moderators or whatever were able to get her help. There’s no way to know if that help got there on time. And this stranger, this selfish woman, made me feel this way. I’ll never forgive her.


Nesting

This is the phase where a mother (and father, sometimes) start the process of preparing the home for their baby. Tom and I rent a 3-bedroom house and it’s just not big enough. We began to clean out what was always going to be the baby’s room over the weekend to find that we have a bunch of crap in the attic, in the two hallway closets, in the guest room closet, and ESPECIALLY in the guest bedroom. And the shed outside. The guest bedroom closet could probably fit an entire basketball team comfortably (junior high/middle school team. It’s tall but it’s not THAT tall.)

The baby’s room smelled like oil paints and workout gear. (Guess what we were using it for?) So we aired it out a bit and now it smells like… well, Febreeze. It is now empty of oil paints and workout gear (oh no, now I gave the answer away!) and filled with three giant boxes of to-be-assembled baby stuff, two blankets, one onesie my mom had lying around, a stuffed animal, and a baby book. I want to paint the whole thing lavender and mint green for a girl and light blue and medium green for a boy. But we’re renting and cannot paint. So I’ve decided that we need curtains. And paintings/pictures on the wall. And craft projects! And colorful wood letters spelling out the baby’s name. And wall stickies. You know, pretty much anything and everything temporary and moveable. My beloved husband thinks I’m nuts. And that’s ok!

Tomorrow I will be 16 weeks along. Two more weeks until our next doctor’s visit and 4 more til we potentially find out the sex of the baby. It’ll be a whole anatomy scan, to see if everything’s developing well. But the sex is the important thing to find out! ‘Cause I FRIGGIN WANT TO KNOW ALREADY. Gawl!

At the next doctor’s visit, we’ll be doing a quad screen to test for different genetic defects like Down Syndrome and spina bifida. So they’ll be taking my blood. Again. Maybe do a glucose screening too, to check for gestational diabetes? No idea. I basically just make the appointments when they tell me to and wonder if they’re going to break out that ultrasound machine.

Since entering the second trimester, I’ve been a bit more emotional. It’s like being off my mood stabilizers without the mania. Or the depression lasting longer than it takes for Tom to get back from the grocery store with fried chicken and candy. And hey, if that’s all it takes to make me feel better, why not? He’s been an excellent partner. Doing everything he can to help keep my crazy at bay and be there for me in any way he can. He comes to every doctor’s appointment and shares in my excitement and anxiety. We’ve been arguing a lot more lately than usual. We’ve had two arguments this month! And it wasn’t all because of my crazy! At least, the most recent one wasn’t, I don’t care WHAT Tom says. They lasted about 3 hours each, which is about 21 hours shorter than usual. We just don’t really argue at all. So, the baby’s been in a pretty stress-free environment.

As for work, my bosses are taking great delight in exploiting my hormones. “Alicia, call this client up and be really angry. We’ll blame it on your hormones later.” Ha ha guys. Cute. Really. (Actually, I love the attention. I just dread when I get super huge and one of my bosses starts dropping things I need on the floor just to encumber me with the task of picking it up.) And as for “fat”, I’ve only gained 6.5 pounds! And about 3 of those pounds are probably in my boobs. But I’m definitely showing. I look like I’m just “fat” right now, which is ok because I know it’s a baby. But I can hardly wait for my bump to be a little rounder. The fact that it comes with a waddle and my boss tormenting me is a bit of a drawback, but I’ll live. I’m planning on bursting randomly into tears, blaming it on hormones, and then laughing malevolently behind his back once I have achieved the correct amount of guilt from him.

And so it is that my pregnancy continues, mostly uneventful. Thank goodness for that.


Now that My Temper Tantrum is Over…

Yesterday’s post was a joke. I may be the only one who found it funny, but I don’t care if you laughed or not. I laughed. I’m not forcing you to read these! (Please keep reading???)

So here’s the news: Tom and I have been married for over a year now. We celebrated our anniversary with a week-long trip to the Oregon Coast. It wasn’t our greatest vacation, but few things are going to top a honeymoon. It was still really nice and I enjoyed having a few days to just relax.

As you read this (if you’re reading it the day I post it) I am now 14 weeks and 3 days pregnant. We’ve heard the baby’s heartbeat, we saw it wiggling on the ultrasound, and I’m gaining an appropriate amount of weight. I’m showing now. My tummy is JUST pooching out. I can’t wear my normal clothes anymore. But my maternity clothes are SO adorable that I really don’t mind. I feel cute.

My morning sickness is practically gone. Very few things are sore anymore. I can sleep better at night. I am happy. I am already envisioning what life will be like with a little one, how I will feel holding him or her, how my life will change forever. I think about Tom playing with the baby, changing diapers, kissing him or her hello and goodbye…

Our next appointment is at 18 weeks. We’ll be doing the blood tests for spina bifida, Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18, etc. We’ll keep the baby no matter what, but we really want to prepare ourselves as best we can for anything that might happen. I am loving this pregnancy now that it’s more comfortable. Friends and family are getting pretty excited too. 🙂


ANOTHER BIG OL’ PREGGO BLOG POST

This just in! I’m still pregnant. In my second trimester. It’s awesome. Can’t wait til I finally give birth! We think it’s a girl! We won’t find out for 6 more weeks!

There, Marci! I hope you’re happy!


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