My favorite part of my biochemical shortcoming is the UP stage. Makes sense, right? I get super productive, I feel overjoyed at everything, I feel good about myself, I don’t worry about things (like money) and I am generally able to charm people into being as happy as I. And then there’s this thing called a “trigger”.Triggers are the things that set off a mood swing, whether good or bad. Seeing as how my personal life is off of life support and breathing on its own, the only time I get “triggered” is at work. And yesterday, that was a big one.
So there I am, happy hypomanic Alicia, humming Christmas songs and dancing a little in my office chair. Then a problem from October (which I had completely forgot about) arises. Mistake. Small, in comparison to some of them I’ve made. Seriously, easy fix. But it’s been awhile since I’ve messed up and there are a few other snags in the office that day. So, Mr. Boss gets a bit chilly with me. He wasn’t being mean or rude or yelling or even lecturing me really. (I learned a trick to avoiding these lectures by not correcting him, even when he’s wrong, and saying “Yes, I completely understand your point. I’m sorry.”) On a side note, he asked me to do something yesterday which was not complicated and I did it exactly as he asked me to and when I was trying to tell him exactly what happened, for some reason he didn’t understand me and I wound up having to tell him to calm down and listen to me. Then I repeated myself slowly and, with rather large hand gestures, explained to him what happened and he understood and all was well. So sometimes the misunderstanding is his. But he’s an attorney and a lot of pressure is on him and my other boss to be perfect or lose their livelihoods.
As I was saying, Mr. Boss got a little chilly. Think Kristen Stewart. That kind of cold, blunted affect. So, this overall demeanor triggered a mood swing from hypomanic to slightly down. Not depressed. Nothing morbid, nothing dangerous, nothing really sad at all. But the proverbial wind from my proverbial sails was gone. It kind of turns me into this wounded puppy thing. I’ve never cried in front of either bosses. At least, not about work. When afore-mentioned personal life was in critical condition, tears may have been shed in front of the same Mr. Boss about whom I am writing today. I plan never to cry about work in front of them. Bootstraps, people! This is what it looks like to pick yourself up by them! And back on topic, wounded puppy. I do everything I can to make it seem like I’m not a total incompetent. But he just stayed mad. Didn’t say goodbye before he left, didn’t come out of his office purely to torment me with his spouting of political opinions or to play pranks on me or Other Mr. Boss. I texted him to remind him of an obligation he had for this morning and he said “Oh, thanks. Tell Other Mr. Boss I won’t be coming back today.”
Dead. If yesterday was a cartoon, my face after reading this text would have had little “x”s for eyes and a tongue would have been hanging out of a slightly scribbled mouth. Thinking about it that way makes me feel better, actually. Anyway, no wind, lots of sails hanging limply and half-heartedly. Well, no more, I say! Today shall be one of renewed
mistakes and accomplishments! Mark my words!