Audience of One

Remember that post “Letters to People Who Won’t Read Them”? Well, this Daily Prompt is to do that: write a letter to someone who you wish would see it. But probably won’t. Here goes.

 

Dear Estranged Friend,

I have written this letter in my head dozens of times. It’s difficult to express my feelings when I can’t apologize. You felt that my apology before was selfish. I don’t want to piss you off any more than I have, so it makes the words difficult to come by.

If it is possible for you to ever forgive me, I’m willing to wait as long as you need. I didn’t mean to push too early. If you weren’t ready, I just wanted to know you weren’t ready. I deeply regret betraying your trust and offending you in all the other ways. I know that sounds like an apology. There’s really not much I can do about that.

If it is not possible for you to forgive me, then I will survive. Your friendship meant a lot to me and I hate losing that. But it’s not for me to decide. At least I’ll always have the good memories to curb the bad ones.

I’ve also had about ten dreams about you. Half where we became friends again, the other half where you were seeking revenge against me. It’s been hard not to contact you and tell you about the dreams. I’m doing my best here.

You encouraged me to get my own blog. Every time I log on here, I think about you. That’s a bunch of times every day. I refer to you often. Usually about how hard it’s been on me. But I’ve made progress and tried to see it from your side. I can never really know how exactly you feel. I’ve never been and never will be you. However, I do think we relate on emotional levels because we share similar issues there. When I was struggling after our fight, I wanted to go to you and tell you. I wanted to ask how you would cope with something like this.

In short, I miss you. I wish I could make it better. I still hope we can make up or that I’ll just forget it all.

I want you to know, if you care, that I’m doing better. I’m happy. Mr. S and I, we’re planning our lives over the next two years. We’re talking about med school and kids and buying a house. I always thought you’d be like a third aunt to my kids. Especially after all those conversations about how we’d love to raise our kids together, go to the park or on playdates with them. But still, I’m excited because the time when we can actually try for kids is getting closer every day. Just a little over 4 months away. I wish you would be there to see them. I know you’d be excited for us.

Mr. S is doing well, too. He doesn’t really like planning the future. He’s more about winging it, you know. But he’s looking forward to having the life we always fantasized about. At least, that’s the impression I’m getting. He’s been so wonderful to me. Just like you always said he would.

I hope you are happy, too. I hope Monsieur is treating you well. I haven’t checked in or cyber-stalked you, so I really don’t know. Above all, I hope we both stay happy and live fulfilling lives.

 

Love,

Me.

 

Problem: I still feel that this is too self-centered. That I’m not focusing on the friend enough. I’m struggling to do that. I think I feel it more than I can say it. I’ve never had this much of a problem in expressing myself, except when it came to saying I loved someone so strongly that “love” seemed a pathetic word. “I’m sorry” is neither strong enough nor acceptable.

I want to just end this post by saying that I really enjoy some of these Daily Prompts. And that’s why I chose to do this. Not because I was seeking attention or feeling badly. It just felt so relevant. I really do feel blessed and happy. So, go forth to more uplifting blogs, if that’s your thing. Thanks. 🙂

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About mrsalicia

I am a Paralegal at a small criminal defense and personal injury firm in my small town. I graduated from Western Washington University with a BA in Political Science and Philosophy. I have my Paralegal Certificate, as well. I write a blog in my spare time. I am married to a wonderful man and recently gave birth to a beautiful little girl. View all posts by mrsalicia

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