Mr. S texted me yesterday and said “I just read your blog post. It’s pretty scathing.” Yes, and at the time I saw no issue with that. But today I’ve been doing some thinking and realized that my revision of history would be to prevent someone from hurting me instead of me from hurting someone else. I blame Dusty for what I did to Matt. Maybe it’s unfair. But I’m not inclined to forgive Dusty, having never received an apology and having apologized myself hundreds of times.
I have done some pretty bad things in my life. I regret those. I have hurt other people and it sucks. It’s selfish of me to dwell on how it affected me. I can’t seem to get past my own pain and empathize with others. It’s always been a fault of mine. Sure, I have these moments when I break down in tears because of an honest man who can’t afford to feed his family and make payments towards a civil lawsuit judgment, or because someone’s parents/sibling/pet dies. But even in these moments, I’m imagining how I would feel. Maybe that’s what empathy is, but it’s not sympathy. Sympathy is when you feel bad for someone without thinking of how you would feel. Right? I don’t know…
But this is not my pity party. I need to stop doing that. I regret a thoughtless mistake on my part that drove a dear friend away. I can’t begin to imagine what she’s feeling, having not been in that kind of situation myself. I regret betraying the trust of past boyfriends. I regret disregarding other people’s feelings my entire life. I’ve never killed or assaulted anyone. I’ve never broken up another relationship beside my own. Small victories in the face of reality.
And yet, I still think I’m a good person. Even if I can’t truly connect with others’ pain, I’ve always wanted to help them and make them feel better. I find it annoying when people are in pain, so it’s self-preservation to help them. Most people like to help and it makes them feel good about themselves. I can connect emotionally, however. I love my family, my husband, my friends, and even the people I’ve lost/let go of along the way to here and now. I do feel happy for others when they succeed.
I would revise October. I’d like for Future-Me to pop in and scream “Don’t do it, you stupid twit!” Yes, it would save me the pain of losing her friendship, but it would also save her whatever negative feelings she went through or is going through still. Like I said, I have utterly no clue what those feelings are. Anger, obviously. But she’s not so one-dimensional. I’m pretty sure there’s more. And there are feelings that defy definition.
I’d also like Future-Me to pop in and slap me when I was even considering betraying my ex boyfriends. And probably some friends. Thankfully, I can’t recall any other major friend-betrayals at the moment.
And another thing, I’d like to drastically change my wedding. Apparently a lot of feelings got really hurt and while I tried to make it what I wanted, include people, and do the best I could, I don’t really look back fondly on the wedding experience itself. No matter what I tried to do, it wasn’t enough. The details were lovely and I married such an incredible man, but it just wasn’t worth it to go through the whole shebang and wind up looking back on it with… well, not regret and not disdain, but something similar. Something like a mix of sadness, disappointment, regret and bitterness. And it should have been the happiest day of my life.
Ah, but there I go with the self-pity again. God, how pathetic this must seem. Am I a likeable character in my own story? I like to think I have my moments. I think we all do. More uplifting subjects to come later. Today, this is what I stewed on and what I wound up serving. I apologize if it leaves a bad taste. (Enough with the cooking puns, I know.) But please, before giving up on me completely, allow me to end with a happy thought: through all of it, all the crap and negativity, I wound up with an overall being of happiness and hope. I’m only 23. I’m still learning. 🙂