If I could go back and change something, I would not have called this guy, Dusty, when my friend Heidi asked me to. Story time. This guy was obsessed with this girl, Chelsey. Chelsey broke up with Dusty and started dating his best friend, Nik. Dusty then told my friend Heidi that he loved her. Heidi was really, really full of herself and rebuked him, but kept stringing him along. Then Dusty got it in his head that it would be funny for a friend of his at lunch to pop a brown paper bag and he would fall down, like someone killed him or he’d killed himself. Naturally, he was expelled. Heidi got it in her blonde, self-centered head that he would have killed her and then taken his own life so no one else could have her. So she asked me to call him to figure it out. So I did.
Dusty told me he loved me, that he really wanted to be with me. I was flattered and we started to hang out. I was still seeing this guy named Matt. Matt was a sweet, nice Catholic boy. But it was kind of going nowhere and I wound up cheating on him with Dusty and really hurting Matt’s feelings. Regret number 1. Then Dusty told me that Chelsey and Nik broke up and they began dating again. He’d used me. Two weeks or so later, Chelsey was interested in this guy named Kyle, who turned out to be interested in me instead. (Mwahahaha. He confessed this to me, so I can sit here and spout my self-centeredness in complete hypocrisy and get away with it briefly. Right? I’m sorry…)
Ok, so Dusty said he wanted to be with me. I told him to go away. He called me later on and said “Alicia, we’re going out now.” Alright, fine. But Dusty immediately told Chelsey to make her jealous. It worked. Turns out, Chelsey’s a psychopath. She began threatening to kill me, trying to insert herself between me and Dusty. She manipulated him by saying that Social Services were going to take her and her sisters away from her drug-abusing parents and send her to Oregon. Dusty offered to let her stay with him and his family. In their trailer. (My god, I had terrible taste in men.) And then suddenly, they were best friends. And there was nothing I could do. I wound up cheating on him with my ex, David. And then ensued a LOT of emotional abuse. For the next 3 years, he insisted that I never loved him (true) and he called me terrible things. He would call me just to yell at me and began awful rumors about me. I took it because I felt I deserved it. My self-esteem suffered for years to come.
Wow, that was a long story. Anyway, if I could go back and change anything, I would never have called Dusty for Heidi. I would have spared Matt’s feelings and broken up with him in a much less awful slutbag kind of way. I would never have cheated on Dusty with David and maybe dated Kyle. Briefly. He was a little bit of a control freak, it turned out. I would never have started down a path of cheating and betraying people. I would have had my self-esteem and maybe left David the first time things got abusive. I don’t regret being with David. I did truly love him.
But I still would have wound up at my university, with my roommates, and met Mr. S. I would have saved a lot of people a lot of pain. Including myself. I would never have been threatened by Chelsey or made to feel scared for my life. I might never have had a trigger to my Bipolar Disorder. (Mr. S once told me that people’s chemical disorders can remain dormant without a significant trigger. I don’t know if this is true, but if so, I might be a happier person today.)
Still, I have overcome all of this stuff. I found out who I am. I got help. I found someone who accepts me. And I’m actually happy. I worry I wouldn’t appreciate Mr. S this much if I hadn’t gone through all of that. But I would give anything to have never had Dusty in my life.